In the food department – I haven’ t changed at all. I feel like a stuffed pig. I know I haven’t eaten the quantities of food I ate during the holidays in the past, but I ate anything I wanted. That kicked the guilt quotient into high gear. I think I have stayed the same weight for the last two weeks because of all the partying and such.

I cannot take big bites of anything or they get stuck in my throat. Dr. Sonnastein says everyone throws up at least once during the process. I don’t want to do that ever! Yuck.

I’m going to join the throngs of post revelers and join some kind of exercise group this week. I know being able to get my body moving will help in the food department too. I definitely want to keep slimming down. I don’t want to get in my own way…but…..

Wow, the last week has been amazing. Busy, happy, sad and wonderful. I’m full. Full of love given by our family and friends. Full of delicious food from the Christmas parties we attended. The house is full of leftover Christmas trappings. Unused wrapping paper waits to be put away. Pieces of tape keep sticking to the bottom of my shoes. Monty, the cat, is marauding through the empty boxes. I have a hundred little piggy banks to return to Oriental Trading Co., and my precious dog Murry is dying of cancer. Even the holidays balance between sweet and bittersweet.

During Christmastime, Emily and I remember Mike the most – as does the whole family. Our remembrances are warm. Our love for Mike doesn’t change. We are who we are because of this remarkable man. We miss him.

Fred accompanied me to all the holiday festivities and fit right in with all the new people he met. He met Mike’s parents – and survived. I’m pretty sure he was dreading the experience, but found it fun once we crossed the threshold into the house. He received a warm welcome. There was laughter and good conversation. I’m proud of his bravery. I’m pretty sure he’s glad to be over that hurdle.

I know Mike would approve of my choice to be with Fred. Emily seems to like Fred too, though she thinks I want to move too fast. She really doesn’t need to worry about that. Fred is involved in this relationship too. He’s not going to “jump” until he’s ready. I’m enjoying our time together and even though I’m excited about the possibilities, the timing will be right. God is in charge here, not me.

I think Mike has a lot to do with this. It’s almost like he whispered into Fred’s ear, or maybe it was God’s ear, who then whispered into Fred’s. Mike liked Fred a lot. He respected his talent for helping to keep Grant’s Lick Elementary one of the best schools anywhere. He commiserated with Fred on what a pain I can be. He did this one day as Fred was hanging curtains for me in the computer lab. Thinking he was drilling into wood, Fred hit metal instead and cussed, just as Mike walked through the classroom door. Mike started laughing. He told Fred he understood his plight completely. I sat there helpless as the two laughed at me in a cute way that was not offensive.

This scene plays out in my head every time I marvel at the way Fred and my friendship changed into something more. Just like my friendship with Mike started slow. It’s weird. I guess a lesson in love is that true love starts with friendship and grows from there. I’m so lucky to have found it twice in my life.

Today when I arrived home from work my house was filled with boxes. Yes, I’ve done lots of shopping on the internet for Christmas. Well, let me tell you, the medications must have gone to my head, because there are 4 cases of way too many somethings that I ordered filling the dining room. Hundreds too many. Now, when I called Oriental Trading Co. to return the items (which I will name after Christmas) the customer service representative couldn’t stop laughing. It was funny, really, but she giggled and giggled and giggled. God bless her. I will have to pay for the return shipping. Such an adventure. My recommendation, don’t shop on the Internet until you are sure your brain is back from anesthesia and pain killers. For heavens sake.

Another adventure I’ve undertaken in treading back into the realms of artwork. I know graphic programs just enough to get myself into trouble. I designed a t-shirt for Fred’s robotic’s team at Grant’s Lick Elementary School. I’ve taken classes in Photoshop and Illustrator. I apparently didn’t learn enough! Thank goodness for my brother Steve who has saved me once again through his artistic knowhow and computers at his work. I knew there was a reason I didn’t stick with graphics design. I love the creating, but getting it from the head onto a shirt isn’t easy and I simply don’t know enough.

Now about the weight, I am one pound away from 40 pounds lost. Wahoo!

The doctor was quite pleased with my progress. I was worried. I did receivea fill, so now I will be able to eat less – more easily. My sister-in-law, Chandra, kind of burst my bubble with a comment when she said, “Only 40? Seems like it should be more.” Well, excuse me, it’s been 2 months since the lap band was placed and I’ve lost almost 40 frickin pounds! I have lugged around a hell of a lot of weight for the last 30 or more years, I think I’ll be happy with 39, thank you very much. Of couse, I wish it was 60, but isn’t that part of my problem? Don’t I always want things to come easily? This is work, for sure. One day at a time, one pound at a time is the best I can do…and that’s a good thing.

I also started physical therapy, which was interesting to say the least. Electricity and ice flowing around and into my knee. I’m sure its going to help me in the long run, but ouchy! All my muscles are hurting.

I just have to keep reminding myself on all these fronts – it’s all about one day at a time, one knee at a time, one pound at a time, one brain at a time, one order at a time.

Ho Ho Ho

I could while away the hours, conversing with the flowers and talking with the rain….

if I only had a brain.

Here’s the deal….I have no control over what goes into my mouth. Yet, I have all the control. I know I haven’t been eating properly for the last month. I know I’m not eating the volumes of food I used to eat. Still, I know I’m not being a “good girl.”

I called Dr. Sonnasteins office to ask for another fill. I feel like I shouldn’t be eating as much and I’m not feeling full. The good thing is that if I get the fill this week, I’ll be back on table food just in time for Christmas. Once a person gets a fill one has to drink the protein shakes for a day, then go with the pureed for a few days. I always like that phase because it keeps me honest. I’m most comfortable with it. It’s simple.

Now, my question is why can’t I be “good” without the fill? I am the Tin Man. The band is Dorothy with the can of oil. It’s working, but I still have to move myself to get the rust out.

Anyone want to volunteer to do the work for me? This is and always will be the hard part.

This has been a busy, busy week. I guess that will continue for the next two weeks, until Christmas is over. But it’s all good.

What isn’t good is that I’ve been eating more than I should. It now seems that I need to take a look at the fact that even with the lap band, I need to think diet. It’s easy to slide down a buckeye candy. It’s easy to want to eat chili all the time because it goes down easy. I find my taste buds have returned to normal and all I want is spicy, sweet things.

Thus, the battle of the brain is beginning to rage again. I was hoping that it would be a little bit easier to control. I want to run to Dr. Sonnasetein and say please, sir, can I have another fill – only this time fill-er-up.

A fill is adding fluid to the inside of the lap band. It makes the opening into my stomach even smaller, so the food goes through it much more slowly. I would feel fuller, faster.

I want to feel full all the time and not just at the moment I’m eating. I’m sure I’m still eating much less than I ever did before the surgery, but I think since I started with the regular table food (if you will) my weight loss has ground to a halt. I try not to weigh myself because its too emotional, but at the same time I want to know. I don’t go back to the doctor for another two weeks to find out for sure.

My knee is coming along. I can pretty much walk without crutches, but when I go shopping or have to walk for an extended length, the crutches help. I’m suppose to start physical therapy this week. Have I mentioned I hate pain and do as much as I can to avoid it? I’m sure you do too. This pain is inevitable. Arg.

Emily and I had a delightful Friday together. She helped me take the dogs to the groomer/vet. Then I drove her to school. Mark’s truck is failing, so he took her car to work. I just started driving again and had already scheduled a vacation day Friday, so I offered to take her to work. After two weeks of Emily driving me to work, it was nice to reciprocate.

That afternoon, the choir and theater students performed a Broadway review. Emily invited me to attend – which I was thrilled to do. It was so much fun. The kids were fabulous and you could see her handy work in their performance. I’m thinking she’s a good teacher and I’m not just being a proud Mom. You can hear it in the student’s technique. They were great.

My relationship with Fred seems to be getting better and better every day. We certainly do laugh a lot when we are together. He’s been going with me to the parties and seems to be enjoying himself, even though he grumbles that I’m making him step outside his comfort zone. It will be interesting to see how he does Christmas day.

Guess I’d better go to the grocery store and stock up on healthy food. I’ve got to start taking the “choices” seriously and begin reframing my brain. Keep me in your prayers. Arg.

I went to work with no crutches today! That made me happy. I don’t think I could go shopping or walking for long periods of time without them, but today was wonderful being unencumbered. I hope I’m feeling so much stronger by Friday that I may be able to drive on my own. I’m not sure yet if I will be. Making sudden moves with pressure could be painful. Again, I may be pushing myself too quickly, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Every day is a bit better.

THANK YOU FOR THE COMMENTS.

I do love my daughter and value her opinions. We learn from each other. I listen to what she says. What I can apply, I will. What I can’t – well – she’ll love me anyway, as I will love her too.

Emily has always been wise. She’s been turning lights off behind me and making me close refrigerator doors ever since she learned about being green in preschool – and I don’t mean Kermit. I mean Emily was energy efficient at 3!!!
Emily has a special spirit born within from her her first breath. I have admired her from that beginning day and know what a special gift she is. We made a great team through the years. With Mike’s traveling, she and I were partners keeping the home fires burning for him.
She was attached to my hip, yet so fiercely independent. “I do myself” became her mantra at the age of 1 and a half. I think she could have lived in her own apartment when she was 4 and done fine.

It’s been fun watching her grow up and seeing how her sage wisdom carries her. Her choices have been profound and life affirming. She radiates a confidence that is compelling. She has always been older than her years, yet she relishes exactly where she is and doesn’t seem to yearn for anything more or less.

She’s been married for more than two years and is quite content and pleased with her life. I am too.

I want to be just like her when I grow up.

Of course, you have to know, she does have a little bit of her mother inside her…

It’s snowing on a Saturday. I love it. It’s pretty. However, in our neck of the woods, the first snow wreaks havoc with people. Driving becomes treacherous. People will think the pavement is wet and wham they are suddenly spinning on ice – crash.

My parents are from Michigan. We were not given a fear of snow. I find it fun to drive in – as long as I’m not on a time limit.

Out my window, I overlook the woods. It is a peaceful setting. A creek bubbles by with the snow trying to capture the edges. I love the view.

My friend Tina and I went to Susan’s Salon today. I had the gray removed. Tina is growing her hair out and getting cuts to go with the new lengths. It was fun.

When we returned, Emily was here to take care of the pets.

The week has been a tough one for me physically. I returned to work 5 days after my knee surgery. With all the challenges I’ve had throughout the multiple surgeries, this one was definitely a toughy. I know I’m getting better, but not fast enough to suit me. I guess it’s always that way. I keep telling myself this is a short time in the big span.

Monday when I came home from work, I was exhausted. I went straight upstairs to bed with tears streaming.

Sometimes it feels good to have a pity party. When I do that I go through a cycle of self deprecating thoughts. I start off thinking I’m stupid for not being what I want to be, I should take better care of myself. If I did I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in. I hurt so bad and know its all my fault, barring the surgery pain. I thought about calling Fred for consolation. Then I thought about calling Emily, Konnie, or Tina. Ultimately, I realized I was simply tired and needed to talk to God. I cried for about an hour. But, when it was all said and done, I realized it felt good to cry. I found the consolation in prayer. So, I relaxed finally and fell into peaceful sleep.

I hobbled through the rest of the week. I was still tired, but in a better place emotionally.

Saturday afternoon Emily made a comment to me that took me aback a bit.

She said she was worried about me. She wasn’t worried about me from the physical problems, but more about my approach to life. I’m impetuous, passionate and show little self restraint. Well, ya! That’s why I am in the fix I’m in. She tells me I spend too much time thinking about why I am the way I am, rather than taking action to change the things I want to change.

That kind of threw me for a loop.

It’s true. I dissect everything. My brain spins on an axis, like a globe. I look around all sides, spinning, spinning. I don’t stop. I use that action as if it is action. It isn’t. It’s everything but.

Now I do think the lap band is definitive, positive action. I am changing because of it. And, I’m pretty sure I’m capable of applying this same good conduct to the other areas that need tweaking. Emily is worried about how I spend my money and live my life. She wants me to stop being spontaneous and willful. She wants me to be strategic and plan carefully.

Change is hard, but doable.