I went to the support group today called, “a Healthy New You.” For the next 12 weeks I will meet with these folks to learn how to integrate the realize band and new eating habits into my life.

I really like the doctor who led the group. I like the way she speaks and uses words. She seems genuine and caring. She’s a little blond 30 something who seems grounded. I believe I am open to her wisdom.

On the other hand the group was a little sparse. There were suppose to be 10 and only 4 made it, due to the weather. I’m not sure what I’m going to think about group. The personalities of each person grated on me. I know that’s not fair. The ladies were nice enough. I just kept thinking I don’t want to listen to their bullshit. I don’t want to listen to anyone. I know that they grate on me because I’m just like them. Growl.

I felt pretty angry being told to be mindful of what I eat. Oh so simple. Let me just think about this meatball as it goes down. Am I hungry? Am I lonely? I’m eating the meatball to help me cope. Damn right. I ate eight of them when I got home or was it 12? What was I thinking? I’m still hungry. Growl.

OK so for 12 weeks I’m going to open myself up to the process. Get in touch with my feelings, and just maybe lose weight. Right.

Growl.

I went to talk to the lap band Psychiatrist today. I asked for some strategies to help me get through the bad choice making. She asked me if I wanted to get involved in a 12 week psychotherapy program with 12 other post-surgery participants. I said, yes, absolutely.

I am eating more and more candy and crap. It is amazing how I was so obedient at the beginning. I remember at the first follow up group I was astounded at the people who wanted to “buck the system.” Now that the body is healed up, the fills don’t seem to deter me.

So am I head hungry or stomach hungry. Am I feeling emotions when I’m making the choices? What am I really hungry for? If I’m am emotional eater, I eat when I’m happy and sad, glad or mad. I’m emotional all the time. Thus, I’m hungry all the time.

Emily says I need to stop analyzing and just do it. Her voice resonates in my head. I know what she is saying is so true. It is so easy to say, so hard to do.

I agreed with the doctor to log my emotions along with the food. Don’t know if I will connect, but it’s worth the try. So I will do this for two weeks, start the group sessions and go back to see her to report any results. I do feel damned determined.

Now on a somewhat brighter note….Fred and I had a blast this week-end. One of our dear friends turned 40. Her husband surprised her with a deluxe party at a local reception hall. It was a reunion of many of the people I worked with at Grant’s Lick Elementary School and the high school, back in happier days. Our 40 year old friend, Amy, was a teacher when I worked there. She is now the principal. I guess well over 100 people were in attendance. We had so much fun.

One of our silliest, friendliest and jovial friends came over to Fred and me saying, “Hey you two, I heard you are in Luuuuuuuub! And, I had to hear it on the street, what gives with that?!” I thought Fred was going to roll out of his chair laughing. She is so funny and just kept on teasing us. It was wonderful to hear his laughter coming from deep within him. I was so proud to be with him. The whole evening was wonderful.

Back to lap band thoughts – When I start feeling dicey about my eating plan, I think one of my strategies is to remember Fred’s smile and laughter. That will make it easier to stay on track. I want him to be as proud to be with me as I was with him. That’s kind of a cool incentive. 🙂

Onward…..

Went to Dr. Sonnastein’s office today. I decided that I needed to relax and just allow myself to be the person I am. I can’t hide anymore. Yes, I ate carbs. Yes, I enjoyed the holidays. Yes, I’d probably do it again the same way. The results? I lost 4 pounds.

I attribute it to the exercise. That makes me happy. I want to exercise more now. I feel better.

My Aunt Joan in Massachusetts sent me a great letter about choices and getting back on the wagon. I think it hit home. I’m feeling more positive and would feel more positive even if I gained weight. Something in my heart changed today. My prayer is that it is a permanent change. Somehow I feel empowered to heal myself in a way I never have.

The doctor was proud of my results. He said change comes slowly. The lap band is a tool, truly. The work is done inside the heart more than the stomach. I asked when he was going to install a lap band in my brain. He just laughed. Imagine that.

I will see him in one month. We’ll see how this one goes.

Every time I go to Dr. Sonnastein I feel like a little kid going to the Principal’s office in deep trouble. It’s my body, my choices, my steps to health not his. So why don’t I consume myself with guilt for me? I mean, why do I care so much about what he thinks as opposed to what I think. I hate this!!

I did better with some choices today. I exercised a half an hour longer. I went after work instead of at lunchtime. I had more time that way. I may try doing that this week to see how it feels.

After the gym I went to the drug store, the grocery store and I stopped to get gas for the car. Now I’ve been thinking, it has been 1 year since the saga of the surgeries hit. I could not have done all that a year ago. It’s amazing what iron can do, and vitamins and pounds gone can do for a person.

I must remember that changing takes time and I’m well on the way. I’ve got to remember that Doctor Sonastein is here to help me, not judge me.

Now, if I could just stop judging myself. ……right.

Here’s the deal. I am a carb addict. It’s even more apparent this week. My emotions are running gun shod over me. Work has been very stressful. Everyone employed by Gannett has to take a one week Furlough. That means I get a one week vacation without pay. This has scared me badly. I can’t afford to loose that amount of money. arg.

I can’t remember if I’ve ever referred to myself as Too Much Mary Lu, but today, this is what I am. I am eating too much again. I spend too much. I think too much and fret too much without acting too much. I go into the land of denial. I pretend everything is fine, when it isn’t.

It isn’t fine that I’m eating crap again. I would have thought the fear of the band would have kept me in line, but nooooooooooo. Stressers send me to the carbs. It’s like I can’t handle stress without dark chocolate or cookies. I am aware of this and still I don’t stop myself. Its stupidity at its best, damn it.

I have done one thing right – although financially it may be debatable. I did join Fast Break and I went every day this week. Five days of exercise this week and four last week. I think that’s pretty darn good for me.

Still, when I got finished with the day today, I ate cookies. Now why would I do that to myself?

I am in such a better place in so many ways, yet I’m driving myself crazy. I wish it wasn’t so hard to change. I know I will. I know I must. I want instant gratification. I want it right now. Magic wand anyone??

Something wonderful has been happening recently because of Facebook and Blogger. I’ve connected and reconnected with people who touched my life – yesterday – and many, many years ago.

These souls are blessings to me. They include my daughter and her husband, my nieces, Aunt Joan in Massachusetts, my “big” boss, Tom Callanin, the managing editor at the Enquirer, my youth group “kids”, long-time friends, other co-workers, and women and men I lived with at the House of the Carpenter. (The House of the Carpenter was a Christian community established in Clifton during the early 1970’s.) I’ve even connected with friends introduced through the House, like one of my roommates, Cheri Russell Eresman, Kevin Wolfe who I met through Cheri and many others. Getting acquainted and re-acquainted with these folks is quite fun.

Who knew our boss Tom Callanin was such a character? Every time he writes on the wall of Facebook, I laugh. I don’t work at the Elm Street office of the Enquirer, so I don’t see Mr. Callanin very often. Fred and I went to his home, along with about 100 others, for the annual holiday Shrimpfest, which was lots of fun. He and his wife are terrific hosts. But, that’s as much as I knew about him, until I started reading his quips. I’m trying to envision him in a Snuggy blanket, eating leftover meatballs. Too funny.

Kevin helped formalize my decision to get the lap band. He writes for a firm that produces these medical miracles. His knowledge and willingness to share has been beyond helpful. He’s a wonderful writer and I like reading what he has to say.

Reconnecting with Cheri has opened up a whole bunch of memories long pressed into the pages of my life. As I pull dried bits into the present, I am startled to find myself wondering even more, how did we survive our youth?

I don’t feel good today. Last night when I went to bed I thought I was coming down with a stomach bug. I got a headache and felt general malaise. That scared me. I can’t imagine what throwing up would be like with the lap band. When I throw up, it’s a whole body quake that doesn’t usually let up until I’m in the hospital hooked up to fluids and given some serious phenergan to stop the spasms.

I prayed myself to sleep. That helped.

When I awoke this morning, the head was still pounding but the stomach doesn’t hurt. For that I am very thankful. Hopefully as the morning progresses, I will feel better.

It’s official, I’ve begun new adventure in movement.

The place is called Fast Track. The workout studio used to be called Inches-a-Weigh. A bariatric surgeon from Cincinnati purchased the studio from Inches-a-Weigh so his patients could begin moving and exercising in a safe, healthier way. I was surprised and pleased to learn this.

It’s one of those studios where the machines do the movement with you. The machines are much more sophisticated than they were back in the 70’s in the gym I belonged to then. I actually am a little sore from the workout, but its a good kind of sore.

There is an exercise physiologist who will monitor my workouts, a nutritionist to keep me on track, a nurse to keep our vitals and of course the doctor. I probably won’t see him since I have my own doctor. It’s just incredible that there is a place where I can go to work out next to people just like me.

I pray that I can keep the enthusiasm and momentum going. I’m ready.

I realized I didn’t make an update on my puppy, Murry. I decided to have him put to sleep Monday, Dec. 29. He was in agony and had stopped eating and drinking. I held him until the vet gave the shot. I could tell Murry was relieved to be out of his misery. Poor thing.

It’s Sunday morning. Monty and Allegra are romping around the basement as I sit at the computer trying to compile thoughts. My eyes are gritty with remnants of sleep and my nose is running. The laundry smells cleanly wonderful as the bleached whites whirl in the rinse cycle. In many ways I am feeling content and happy.

I’m tired in a good way. The week-end has been full of volunteering and spending time with great friends.

Fred asked me to help out at the First Lego League Regional Competition held at Twenhoefel Middle School. Twenty teams of students from fourth through eighth grade competed using robots made from Legos. It was awesome to see the kids using science and math to solve problems. They also research a specific problem, depending on the year’s theme, to present their results and recommendations to a set of judges. Fred’s team won first place with their robot. Next week-end they head to the state competition held at Western Kentucky University. Fred gets very “keyed” up for his kids, but I think it’s worth every anxious moment and headache seeing how creative and intelligent these kids are. Giving them the experience will last a lifetime. Who knows, one of them may solve a serious global issue and thank the Lego League – and Fred. He’s amazing with them.

Afterwards, we returned to my home where Fred slept in the big comfy chair and I slept on he couch. It was quite cozy watching movies in between our snoring. Old fuddy duddy people that we are.

Tomorrow I get back into high energy weight loss mode. It seems the holidays were a reason to go insane in the food department. But, then again, any reason will do…right? A few friends and I are going to start a Biggest Loser contest. This should be very interesting.