I went back to work refreshed and invigorated. I needed the time off desperately. About a half an hour in to the day, an e-mail came through telling us about the need to take yet another furlough. ARGGG! I can’t afford any more time away from work. Now I’m scrambling to find a second job to handle my bills. It’s time for the economy to turn around.

If stress is a cause for overeating (which seems to be the consensus) then I am a hopeless case. The world spinning off it’s access is eating me up, or rather making me eat. Logic and the power to choose to not to eat badly is impossible.

When I weigh myself on the scale, it doesn’t move. The weight now remains steady and the same. It does not go up, nor does it go down. Does that mean I’m eating like a normal person? No. But I guess it means I’m moving enough and eating enough to stay the same. That is an improvement, but I want more. It’s time to start losing again.

Here’s my plan. I’m going to move my records to Dr. Curry. I’ve decided this after the horrible open house at St. Luke. The doctors were cordial enough, but it wasn’t a time to really talk to them. I didn’t not feel like approaching them, and the way the room was set up, they were unapproachable. I guess I’m disappointed and feel let down by the management of the transition. I’m looking forward to a change and feel it will make a difference.

Love for family, friends and Fred,

As difficult as these past few weeks have been, a constant wonder for me is the support and love I’ve received from everyone. You really cannot know how deeply I am touched by your words of encouragement. I am burning them into my brain so I remember when the stressers become determined to takeover my thoughts.

I returned to work today refreshed from a little trip into the Bluegrass country of Kentucky. Fred and I visited our friends Konnie and Dave in Georgetown where we enjoyed the sites of horse country and a local winery. The weather was gorgeous. It was a bit chilly, but the sun shone like a newly bleached smile, fresh and lovely.

I got to meet Fred’s daughter, son-in-law and most precious granddaughter too. The baby is now six months old and quite a cutie. Pappaw just cooed and stared at her for the hour we visited. As soon as she got fussy, she went into her mother’s arms and dropped off to sleep quicker than if I dropped a penny to the floor. She beat the penny. Amazing. What a wonderful little girl. No wonder Fred’s pride bursts from him.

As for the food issues – they continue to plague me. They will always plague me. I probably gained more weight on this little trip, but oh how delicious was the food! Yum.

Another shake up occurred at St. Luke. The psychologist that took over for the one who left two weeks ago is now gone. She has moved to Georgetown with Dr. Sonnastein. I hate to admit it, but the nurse, Steve, who also left and this doctor are not two of my favorite people. That may make my decisions this week easier.

There is going to be an open house Thursday with the new group at St. Luke and I hope to speak with Dr. Curry too. I have a feeling I’m going move to Dr. Curry, but I’ll wait to see how I feel about these other doctors first.

Money issues continue to plague me too. I learned today that Gannett is asking employees to take another furlough in the second quarter. I’m going to have to get a second job to keep up with the loss of revenue. Goodness.

I’m trying to be creative about how I will earn extra income. I’ve got some graphic design jobs that will bring in a little bit. That’s kind of fun. I also was asked if I’d be interested in writing for the publishing company. Uh, yes! We’ll see how that plays out. I’m also tossing around the idea of helping people with genealogy research. I seem to be very good at that too. Plus I could do that on Sundays and in the evenings, keeping my Fredmeister Saturdays! YIPPEE!

So between the negatives of food and finance -blessings abound with growing love for Fred, family and and friends who warm my heart and give me hope for a better future.

Thank you all!

I love you.

I went to the graveyard today to check on the site. I removed spindles of dead flowers from the flower pots on our headstone. When Mike died I purchased a beautiful headstone with everything I love on it. It’s a black marble stone with a bronze peace dove descending on the front where our names are etched. On the back is the passage from 1 Corinthians 13 about love. There s a Scottish terrier etched and a cartoon character that Mike always drew when he left Emily and me notes. I love our headstone. It reminds me of the life and love I once knew.

It’s a beautiful day today and the peace of the cemetery was helpful.

Still, in spite of the sun shining, I’m in a deadly spin again against myself. When I think of Mike lying under the earth, I cry. I loved him so much and felt so safe with him. I have not felt safe since he left. I miss that part of our relationship. I miss being in a partnership. As much as I care for Fred, we do not have a partnership. Maybe it’s coming. Maybe it’s not. The fact is I want to be in a partnership.

I want to feel safe again and know that everything is going to turn out OK and as long as I’m alone, I don’t feel like it will. I don’t have anyone to turn to that I really feel like I can cry with and share my deepest burdens. Oh, true I have wonderful friends and family who care very much about me. I know Fred cares about me. It’s just different with a life mate. It’s different with a person who is seeking the same kind of future and wants to work together as a team to make it happen. I am stronger when I have someone to “bounce off of.”

I left my tax person today and I owe the government money this time. Just when I think I’m out of debt, I go right back into it and the money pit of hell starts all over again. Yes, I know my choices get me where I am. It’s the same with the eating. Being aware of what is coming in and watching what is going out. It’s hell. I feel helpless.

My weight remains the same. Expectations of others is that I should be half of myself by now. Sure, if I didn’t have an eating disorder I could be half of myself. Reality is, I haven’t changed enough. It’s the same with the money. It’s all the same.

I am longing for peace and know I am responsible to find it – but I don’t seem to be able to. I feel so ignorant and stupid.

TOO MUCH MARY LU strikes again.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of me.

Friday night my friend Cathy and I went to see Dr. Sonnastein at a seminar explaining the bariatric program at Georgetown Hospital. I was late because I went to two wrong hotels (yes, I’m and idiot) but, I finally found the correct hotel, thanks to Cathy’s son. The room was full of post operative patients and a few new patients. The people sponsoring the seminar were great. The warmth and friendliness of the people in the room was palatable.

Dr. Sonnastein’s wife, son and even his father were there offering their support too.

It sounds like moving my records from St. Luke to Georgetown will be easy enough to do. I still haven’t decided if I’m going to stay local or not. I’m going to interview Dr. Curry first before I make the decision.

The stress of all of the changes there and going on furlough this week has made it a difficult week. I’m tired.

Eating remains a challenge. But, I’m taking one day at a time and hopefully things will begin clicking.

I pumped the air up in my tricycle and am getting ready to go for a ride. The sun is shining and I’m in an energetic mood.

I ate sparingly today. My throat still hurts from yesterday’s fiasco.

Work was weird as usual. The people in the office are grieving the changes in the world and it’s keeping the air heavy. I hope spring brings a lighter mood.

I went to see Sally today. She has a new book she wants to read with me as a 12 week program. It’s called, The Four Day Win. It sounds pretty interesting. I’m not starting anything new though, not until my current 12 week commitment is complete.

Yesterday’s scare has me thinking about who I should go to for my doctor. I’m going to interview the three that took Dr. Sonnastein’s place and Dr. Curry who owns Fast Break. We’ll see which one “fits” me best.

Life just keeps rockin and rollin‘. Fred is sick. His twin brother is in the hospital, having been taken by ambulance with chest pain. I swallowed a bit of breakfast this morning – and it got stuck. Really stuck. What a challenging week. I am hoping for a better tomorrow.

Getting through today should be OK, but my throat and stomach feel whacked out big time. I’ve never blocked my band like I did this morning. It was scary. I coughed for about 20 minutes. I could hardly breath. Then with a final cough scrambled eggs appeared in the sink and I felt much better. Scrambled eggs, for heaven sake. Those are suppose to go down easy. I didn’t chew it up enough. I must really be swollen inside today too. Ouch.

The experience is a wake up call – another one. I really do have a lap band. And, if I let it do it’s job it will help me. Maybe fear is part of the factor. I never want to feel like that again, so I’ll stay on the “up and up.” Here’s hoping.

Tonight’s group meeting was rather intense. We learned that Dr. Sonnastein has left St. Luke for Georgetown and our psychologist Dr. Laura lost her position because of the merger between St. Luke and St. Elizabeth Hospitals. These are two people who have held my life in their hands (with my permission of course). The entire group was stunned. We all feel betrayed by the administration of the hospitals. I think the administration should have sent a letter out to the patients. It would have been a professional courtesy.

I am angry about the way it has been handled, but I’ll figure out what doctor will best suit me. I will continue with the 12 week group because we have bonded and friendships are being made. It’s nice to have people who understand how difficult this weight issue is. We can share our burdens without fear of judgement and learn from each other.

I talked to Chandra on my way home and told her about my feelings. Again, she hit all the nails right on the head about how growth and healing happens in the heart. This is another transition that will hopefully lead me toward wholeness even more. There has got to be a reason for this at least and I will find the blessing in it.

somewhere

I hate this I hate this I hate this.

I think one thing and do another. Am I going to ever get it? Today was the worst day yet for my choices since surgery. Terrible. There is no difference between my choice and a heroin addicts choice. really. My choices are going to kill me ultimately.

damn it.

I have this idea that when spring comes my mental attitude will improve. Is that possible? Hope so.

The lap band makes no difference whether I feel full or otherwise. It seems in the morning I’m swollen and then I feel restriction, but as the day goes by, I feel nothing. I get hungry and eat. I plan what I eat for the most part, but I still nibble on junky stuff.

If I look at the successes – well, I have stopped eating bread. I’ve stopped drinking soft drinks. I don’t really miss either one. I do eat fat free crackers, so I do get carbs, but they satisfy that carby need, with way fewer calories. I drink tons of water and take vitamins faithfully. I think these changes are worth feeling good about.

Change takes time and I guess I’m taking baby steps – tiny, tiny baby steps.

I keep hearing that we aren’t suppose to view our eating habits as a diet. But really, it is. We are suppose to change how we eat. Problem is, again, if I could do that, I would have done it before the lap band.

Thursdays group was fun for me. I am enjoying the people immensely and do feel a sense of camaraderie developing.

Yes, I still feel whiny and stirred up when I leave the meetings, but I think that’s OK. Retraining brain waves certainly causes internal skirmish. I expected something. I knew getting the lap band was going to be difficult. I wasn’t sure what to expect and I didn’t know where the difficulty would present itself. I was hoping the difficulties would come later than sooner. I was hoping it would be easier to change my ways once the lap band was put inside, but it’s NOT!

I don’t want to feel resentful toward the band, but if I am being honest, I did want it to be more of the magic bullet than it’s being. Still, I do have hope and believe the little steps will eventually get me there.