Tuesday, March 17, 2009 – Spinning Endlessly out of control
I went to the graveyard today to check on the site. I removed spindles of dead flowers from the flower pots on our headstone. When Mike died I purchased a beautiful headstone with everything I love on it. It’s a black marble stone with a bronze peace dove descending on the front where our names are etched. On the back is the passage from 1 Corinthians 13 about love. There s a Scottish terrier etched and a cartoon character that Mike always drew when he left Emily and me notes. I love our headstone. It reminds me of the life and love I once knew.
It’s a beautiful day today and the peace of the cemetery was helpful.
Still, in spite of the sun shining, I’m in a deadly spin again against myself. When I think of Mike lying under the earth, I cry. I loved him so much and felt so safe with him. I have not felt safe since he left. I miss that part of our relationship. I miss being in a partnership. As much as I care for Fred, we do not have a partnership. Maybe it’s coming. Maybe it’s not. The fact is I want to be in a partnership.
I want to feel safe again and know that everything is going to turn out OK and as long as I’m alone, I don’t feel like it will. I don’t have anyone to turn to that I really feel like I can cry with and share my deepest burdens. Oh, true I have wonderful friends and family who care very much about me. I know Fred cares about me. It’s just different with a life mate. It’s different with a person who is seeking the same kind of future and wants to work together as a team to make it happen. I am stronger when I have someone to “bounce off of.”
I left my tax person today and I owe the government money this time. Just when I think I’m out of debt, I go right back into it and the money pit of hell starts all over again. Yes, I know my choices get me where I am. It’s the same with the eating. Being aware of what is coming in and watching what is going out. It’s hell. I feel helpless.
My weight remains the same. Expectations of others is that I should be half of myself by now. Sure, if I didn’t have an eating disorder I could be half of myself. Reality is, I haven’t changed enough. It’s the same with the money. It’s all the same.
I am longing for peace and know I am responsible to find it – but I don’t seem to be able to. I feel so ignorant and stupid.
TOO MUCH MARY LU strikes again.
I’m sick of it. I’m sick of me.
Ah we once again prove that we are related! I have felt the way that you described so many times that I do not care to reminisce about them! But every time I do, I always come back to the same conclusion: be like the squirrel, you just have to carry one nut at a time. That doesn’t mean that you tackle only one problem at a time, because they are of course always related, just a part of this wonderful life. But you have to take things one small decision at a time and don’t give up your whole stock pile if you grabbed one bad nut. We all make shitty decisions, typically on a daily basis! But if we look too much at our bad nuts it gets too hard to see that we still have made lots of good decisions and still have the larger goal to work towards. God forgives us for our bad decisions, why shouldn’t we? So you didn’t eat perfectly one day, so what? Who really cares? Just make better food decision one bite at a time. No one can change there life in one day, so don’t expect to. Just take thing one tinny tiny step at a time. And most importantly, fake it until you make it! Don’t let your attitude be what stands in your way of your happiness. Even if you haven’t achieved your goals yet, have the attitude that you have already conquered the world and it will make everything seem so much easier in comparison.
My heart is always with you and I know you are always with me. I know that having friends and family is not the same as having a soul mate, but maybe you should look at what you are calling a soul mate? I think if you really look at what you and Mike had, it isn’t that he always knew the right thing to say or knew perfectly how to consul and council you (which I am sure he did) but it was that he was the one that made your soul grow the most. Fred and your’s relationship doesn’t feel the same as you and Mike because it isn’t, and shouldn’t be, but that doesn’t mean he can’t make your soul grow more if you just let him; one nut at a time. I am betting that if you look at you and Fred in little pieces, you will be much happier with the whole. Remember that you wrote Mike off for quite sometime before you made the choice to let him in, maybe Fred is getting the same trial by fire?
Hope you enjoyed my dollar store wisdom, now if I can just figure out how to perfectly live it without question then I will be on my way. I have identified that my greatest life’s conflict always breaks down to the balance between being blissfully optimistic and saying yes to the world and all her offerings with a positive attitude regardless of outcome, and the fear of a bad outcome so instead clinging to what I label as the harsh reality of life and a more pessimistic attitude, because in being pessimistic you will find that you are either right again or pleasantly surprised. But is life worth all that it can be if you take it all on with that kind of negativity? My nuts are in the no corner.
Anyhoo, hugs and kisses are being sent your way. Love the blog, hope to see you at Easter!
Marah
One thing I remember Jim Korpik telling me is something about when life’s struggles get into your head and you don’t know what to do or can’t seem to find an answer… before you go to sleep at night… pray and tell God… “I’m done, it’s in your hands now” I may not have been very fond of the man, but that is one thing, maybe the only thing that has stuck in my head. When I went to church a few weeks ago, I felt so much better afterwards. And that’s when I decided it was time for me to change and make this marriage and my life work… it’s time for me to be happy… you’ll get there. I know you will. One day at a time, one step at a time. You’ll be in my prayers… love ya
OK, cuz – what happened between March 15 and 17?? Sounds to me like you need a restorative trip Up North. Get in your cute little car and get on up here!!