Yes, I’m still paving the road to hell with my good intentions. I have not had a good week in the food department. I’m not consistent. I start out really good, then by dinner time I’ve gone overboard in some way. I suppose I should be inspired by the people I saw on Oprah the other day. She had the Biggest Losers on. One of the guests said they exercised seven hours a day. Well no wonder they lose hundreds of pounds. I could never do that. Good grief! Still don’t want to and never will.

I did a fascinating thing yesterday. I went to a plastic surgeon my dermatologist recommended. I feel like a person on t.v. I went in for a consultation about some of my skin issues and zap, zing, the laser removed it all. It wasn’t terribly expensive either. I never dreamed I would do anything like that ever. I’m very glad I did. I think I will feel more feminine now.

I still find it interesting how vanity plays such a role in one’s mind. I’m accustomed to the big belly. It’s such a part of me. The other things that bug me, I face in the mirror every day. If I hold a hand mirror, I don’t see the belly. ha ha. The belly is leaving, albeit slowly. Slow change is is best. It will be lasting. Other parts of me have changed too. My waist is reappearing. I think these changes are mainly happening because I have so much more energy. I’m walking lots more and managing to squeeze in exercise at Fast Break. Fred keeps me busy on the week-ends now too, so I don’t sit around to snack.

I’m met Fred’s twin sons this morning. We met at Frisch’s for breakfast. I was nervous about meeting them. His daughter, Krista, her husband, Will ,and their eight-month-old daughter, Kylie came too. As usual, my fears were unfounded. His boys are great. They are just like him in so many ways. We had a nice time. I’m glad to have gotten over that hurdle. Now I’ve met most all of Fred’s family. Everyone seems o.k. with our pending nuptials. I will enjoy getting to know his kids more fully as time goes by.

I think Emily will like them alot. It’s weird if one thinks of them as “step-brothers and sisters.” Since they are all adults, I don’t think it really counts. I did kind of have fun with Steve and Hud Hock being my step-brothers. I have Steve for a brother, Steve for a brother-in-law, Steve for a step-brother and now Steve for a step-son. How cool is that. I can’t wait to introduce them all to each other. “Hello, Steve I’d like to introduce you to Steve, and this is Steve, and this is Steve and Steve.” Fun!

Hi all,

I’ve broken through the barrier apparently. I’ve lost five more pounds, so I’m approaching 50 gone. I got another fill yesterday too.

Dr. Curry’s nurse practitioner gave the fill. I had not met her before. She was the most informative and helpful person I’ve met to date! She told me lots of little secrets and explained how things work in a way I never fully understood.

She also made it clear I am never to eat hot dogs again. Now I have not had any hot dogs – and I didn’t plan to eat one, but she told me a story about a lap band patient who got a hot dog bite “stuck” and had to have it removed with a scope. Then the guy was in Michigan, on vacation, and ate another hot dog and got it stuck too! He had to drive all the way home to Cincinnati to get it removed. How crazy is that! Believe me, I will never even attempt to eat a hot dog – no matter what!

I guess all of us who eat for a living – haha – are crazy. It made me feel so much better knowing that I’m not alone in my inability to curb some of my “set in” behaviors. The dietitian told me it was going to get easier for me to stay on a planned eating program once the band hits the “sweet spot”. Apparently the sweet spot is the band fill that really limits ones eating. I should only be able to eat 1/2 cup of anything at one time. Here I thought I was being ridiculous because I was always hungry. Now I’m not hungry at all. The feeling is back…yippee!

Right after surgery that lack of hunger was like a miracle. I had never felt that before. Then around February, it went away and I’ve been ravenous. At the last fill in April, I could tell a difference. I really did eat less. And, obviously that worked! Five pounds. I’m hoping for 10 this month. I’ve been exercising more and feeling more peppy.

I also think the anti-anxiety medicine the doctor gave to me recently is working as well. Funny thing, when one has an anxiety disorder. Even happy stress can cause problems. I didn’t sleep through most of April. Now I’m sleeping and I think that helps keep a positive attitude and I feel better too. Apparently the medication also helps some people with compulsive disorders. I don’t think I’m compulsive, but with the medicine and the fuller lap band, maybe I’ve broken through the physical barriers that have been holding me back a little bit.

Pray this is so. 🙂

I didn’t mean to imply in my last post that my friends are to blame for my eating. It’s just that I like spending time with them. And, we happen to meet most of the time in restaurants. Oh, I know I can make healthy choices. For the most part, I have been making better choices. I don’t eat french fries anymore – I eat the tuna or a chicken something. But, I cap the fun time with a dessert usually. yum. I am ordering junior sizes now. Maybe it’s the baby steps that will get me there.

I asked Brenda to create another week’s worth of meals. Maybe I’ll do better this week all the way around. I went to the gym today. I’m dedicating at least two or three other days this week to go. I want to see if I can get five pounds off. That will take the scale down into a new number that I haven’t seen in a long, long time. Now I’m challenging myself. We’ll see if I rebel against myself. I hope psycho girl stays quiet! lol.

I figured out why I’m fat. I have too many friends. Yep, that’s got to be it. When one meets friends at restaurants just about every day of the week, it’s hard to stay on track. My friend Brenda has prepared food for me for the week. If I eat only what she has given me, I’m guaranteed to lose weight. So, did I eat it at Montoya’s? No. Did I eat it at Skyline? No. Did I eat it at Frisch’s? No. But I did eat it all the rest of the time.

Food is food. It’s not supposed to be attached to any emotions. It just sits there on the table. It doesn’t think, it doesn’t feel. It just is. A piece of meat sits quietly waiting for the hand to reach for it, as does the hot fudge sundae. Neither cares if you eat it or not. Why can’t I be objective like that? Why doesn’t broccoli taste as good as maraschino cherries? Why doesn’t pork taste as good plain compared to the wonder of Cherry Republic’s barbeque sauce smothered over it.

I watch the Biggest Loser and know I don’t want to work that hard. I don’t want to eat vegetables I don’t like. Hide it in a casserole and I’m good. Pour cheese on anything and I’m fine. Add salt and sugar and we’re on.
I’d rather socialize with my friends and enjoy myself than think about how many calories the tuna salad has in it or the hot fudge sundae the waiter just brought.
That’s why I’m fat.

I will say the lap band has made a big difference. I’m not starving all the time. But, sweet still goes down easier than bitter. I hope when I go to the doctor next week I get one more fill. I think that will do me. I’ll have the full 9 cc’s. It’s easier to make better choices when one isn’t hungry. Isn’t that weird? But, when you aren’t hungry, for some reason, one want a bigger bang for the buck. In other words, I will eat the protein first – for the energy. That’s huge.

By the way, I’m not a complete failure at this. Though pounds aren’t falling off of me, my clothes are actually beginning to fall off. I need to buy some new pants. I’m afraid to do that in case this is all a dream.

Ah, life is so interesting. And that is why I’m fat. Now what else do I want to do about it? I’ve got a wedding to enjoy in five months.

I must confess that being engaged to Fred has been quite fun. There have been surprises and emotions that spill between the present and the past.

We found a song that tells our story really well. It’s by John Denver, and it’s called, “Love Again.” Fred said the word’s touched him. Knowing he was touched by the song’s lyrics has helped me work through some of my own feelings about love and getting married again.

Emily was visiting on Mother’s Day and I was playing other songs for her. It was weird. I kept thinking about Mike. How can a person love someone so much, then love another as much. I did feel a bit like I was somehow “cheating” on Mike. Oh, I know I’m not, but the emotions about it are still present. All the books say it’s normal. Emily said that Mike told her he knew I would remarry – and he wanted me to. He knew I had much love to give and I would need to share my life with someone. He told Emily my happines is what he wanted.

I feel so blessed to have Fred in my life. He’s special in so many ways. His heart is as big as the moon. He’s thoughtful, kind, generous in spirit, gentle with everyone, especially the little ones whose lives he touches with stability, strength and humility. He’s smart and has an incredible sense of humor. He’s methodical and thinks things through very carefully to plot his course. He was so shy last year and didn’t like going anywhere really, now he’s going everywhere with me, meeting new people and stepping out of his comfort zone. He’s even taking on the idea of learning to dance! On top of all of that, he’s handsome. Seeing his smile and watching him laugh makes my heart swell. What more could a girl want?

Emily thinks Mike “hand-picked” Fred. He really liked Fred. He respected his job as the custodian of the school. Fred has to take care of more than 200 people’s needs, teachers, children, families. The maintenance, the engineering, the boilers, the air conditioners, Fred takes care of it all easily, graciously and has such integrity and pride.

Emily also mentioned that she thinks Mike had a hand in opening the position at Bishop Brossart so there would be growing music programs in the parochial schools. I think it might be so.

I wish we knew the secrets about life and death, and what really happens to our souls after. I know love crosses boundaries spiritually and it feels like it does physically too. I like to think that there is an afterlife and our loved ones “beam” love through. I can’t help but wonder about all the coincidences that have happened in my life. They often seem orchestrated, and miraculous. I don’t really know anything for sure – but one thing I do know is that my love for Mike, my love for Emily and now my love for Fred makes life joyful. Love shared, is timeless. It crosses history, from our ancestors to our grandchildren. Maybe that’s what eternity is…love.

There was an accident today on 275, right when I got off work. Plus, my car was out of petrol, so I pulled off the highway to get gasoline. I called Emily to see what she was up to. She was visiting Mark at Wert Music, very close to where I was “filling up”. I asked her if she was in the mood to go dress shopping – for her dress for the wedding. What better way to spend time while crews cleaned up the highway mess? She was up for it.

Now, neither one of us thought we would really find anything at Dillards. Sure, it’s prom season, but vibrant orange, sunny yellow, hot, hot pinks and shrill chartreuse are the fashion right now, and that’s not quite what I wanted for the wedding.

Emily told me she wanted to wear a tea length dress…preferably black. That wasn’t quite what I had in mind either. Black dresses at weddings are weird to me. But then, she told me if she could find a dress she liked, she could wear it to perform during concerts. Well, that spoke to my heart. A multi-purpose dress that she would actually wear again and again made sense.

She described the dress. Then she described the shrug or bolero she thought would make it perfect. When we walked up to the second floor where multitudes of neon colored dresses hung boldly, I thought – we are “barking up the wrong tree.” But then, right before our eyes was a black dress, exactly as she described it. I do mean exactly. It hung front and center among the glowing fabrics. It was in a size that Emily thought would be too small. However, for fun, we decided she should try it on.

It was beautiful! It fit perfectly. She looked lovely.

We pulled a lace jacket from the rack to put with it, but it didn’t look quite right. The sales woman asked if we needed help. Emily told her she wanted a jacket with the black that matched the dress. Black colors are very peculiar. They have to be perfect or it’s just not right.

The sales lady went to a rack and pulled off a beautiful, flowing, sheer drape. It had 3/4 length sleeves. The front can be tied or billow gently about the hips. It was a perfect match! The black color was “dead on”. It made the dress look a touch more feminine and Emily looked perfectly elegant in it. We had pulled the jacket in a large and it was too big. The sales rep pulled a medium and the look was even better. I can’t describe how lovely Emily looked. And I’m sure she was thrilled to fit in the smaller sizes too!

Plus, just like with the wedding dress, Emily’s dress was on sale! And the jacket was on sale too! What a stroke of luck! We couldn’t believe our good fortune for a spur of the moment shopping excursion. I don’t think we were even in the store for a full half hour.

As we were leaving the store, we looked at jewelry to go with it. Of course we found the perfect necklace of onyx and white crystal gems. Beautiful.

So, we are going to have a black and cream wedding – different than anything I imagined. Fred and his best man will be in black tuxes with cream colored shirts and black vests, I will be in creamy ivory and Emily will be elegant in black. Very nice.

It’s kind of amazing how my dress jumped off the rack as I was describing it – and Emily’s dress was placed in her hands following a verbal description. Mom would have called all of that – Godsequences.

…Now if I can describe my svelte body that will melt away in the next 5 and a half months so I can stand before Fred with pride – and less belly – could I speak that into existence? How thrilling would that be!