July 15, 2009 Emotional yo-yo
My weight may not be on the yo-yo right now, but my brain sure is.
Surprise. Not really.
Fred and I went to a party, sponsored by the McCafferty’s, Emily’s in-laws. The party was for Mark’s attainment of his master’s degree. It was a fun party. But, camera’s were flashing. Fred took pictures of me. When I saw them, my heart sank. I hate what I see when I see myself. I’m a fat cow. Even though I’ve lost 50, it’s just a dip in the big ass bucket.
I can’t believe Fred really wants to marry me. He’s so handsome. He’s going to look amazing in his tux. I’ll look like a puffy, fluffy marshmallow squashed in satin and lace. Now, I am wishing we could just elope. No pictures. No gawking people. I don’t want anyone to look at me like this. Maybe in a year or two I’ll like my looks better. Maybe we should get married then. hmmmmm.
I lamented to Emily. As she is apt to do, she once again threw a thoughtful zinger. “Mom, your 54 years old. If you don’t like yourself now, you’re never going to like yourself.”
Well shit.
After the party, I went straight to bed. It was 9 p.m. Fred came up to ask me what was wrong. I told him I was having a pity party. I just wanted to sleep. Escape. He just held me. He didn’t ask for details. I didn’t tell him. I’m not sure why. I guess I didn’t want to him to feel obligated to say platitudes.
There are moments when I wonder if he’s “settling” for me. I know he likes me. I hope he loves me. We are such good friends. We laugh a lot. I love him more everyday. The fearful side of me can’t imagine that he feels love for me. He was so hurt in the past. I wonder if he has healed enough from it. I can’t imagine why he would want to be with me. Isn’t that terrible? I feel guilty for my thoughts.
I melt every time he kisses me. I wonder what he feels. I can’t imagine why he would even want to touch me. I can’t keep my hands off him, poor thing. He’s so yummy. I adore him. I wish I felt pretty for him.
Toss the string, yo-yo. Up and down. Yo-yo.
It’s amazing to me that I can be euphoric one minute and in the next, with a flash of a bulb, I come crashing down. Just like the yo-yo-s I threw on the floor because I could never make them work.
Yo-Yo
MaryLu, you need to relax and quit second guessing everything! I know Fred and he definately loves you for you. Remember the "I'd marry her in a mud puddle, I just want to marry her" comment he made to me? I don't believe I've ever heard more romantic, sincere words. If you don't like yourself for who you are, how can you expect anyone else to? You are a wonderful, caring, beautiful woman. The whole world can see it, now you need to also! Relax and just enjoy the ride.
Thank you, Cathy. I had forgotten that statement momentarily. I know he loves me, it's me that is the problem (as usual).
I find it amazing that my brain can be so dual. One minute I'm deleriously happy, the next in the pit of self-doubt and depression. I know I have lots of great qualities. Sometimes I'm confident and proud. But when I saw that photo of me, I just plummeted.
I wonder if I will ever change. I think Emily hit it on the head – no.
Sigh.