Another week, another few pounds added on. My face is puffy. My knee is hurting worse than it did before the surgery. I hope I haven’t injured myself again. I refuse to have any further surgery. I will suffer as long as I am able.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. My husband has been painting the “man-cave” and it’s getting prettier by the minute. I am so happy in my life. I love Fred bunches. But, I’m back in the mode of “I don’t deserve to be happy or loved by him because I’m too big.” It’s stupid to think like this. I know it is.

I promised I wouldn’t use this blog as a whine zone, but the process of losing weight is why I’m blogging. The process of internal growth is a long one. I intend to conquer the negativity. I am going to conquer the weirdness of my own self come hell or high water. I am determined.

Here are my reasons:

I want to be a healthy person.
I want to have energy to walk.
I want my knees to be painfree.
I want to be proud of myself and feel good in my own skin.
I want to avoid any further illnesses brought on by extra weight such as heart issues, diabetes issues, etc. So far, so good.
I want to honor my body for carrying me through this life so well. To think how it has bounced back after five surgeries in two years makes me feel quite grateful. I have to thank it by working with it and stop the internal fighting.
I want people who know me to be astonished at the accomplishment.I want to be astonished by it too!

So far, these are the goals, but parts seem elusive. I guess I need to “act as if” until it becomes a part of me.