Fred and I have been married five whole months today. In that five months we have been busy remodeling and recovering. I’m ready to move forward.

I went to the doctors today. I have a slew of appointments next week for bloodwork and the like as I prepare for a new adventure in body shaping. Oh yes, I’ve gained 30 pounds back since the wedding. Good grief! Now for you thin folks that may seem like a huge amount, but really, it’s pretty typical for me to lose and gain that much in a short amount of time. It’s like my body wants it there. I’m a carb sponge. Eat a carb, it goes to the belly just like a beer drinker.

I’m going to start moving again and see if that 30 won’t fall off as easily as it came on.

I can pray for miracles and take action too, right?

aaarrrrrgggggg.

Starving to have no size at all

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Courage in battling eating disorders

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Click on the link about to read a story that was in the Enquirer. It really hit me.

I think people look at those with anorexia as sympathetic creatures who are dying for beauty’s sake. I don’t think people look at the obese in the same way. We tend to be the ones that people mock and judge as having character flaws, lack of discipline and we should be ashamed. People with anorexia are thought to be sick, they need help. So do the obese. Psychological, physical and wholistic help.

My obesity is an illness that I can’t control. I’ve determined this within the last week and this story validated it. I have spent thousands of dollars and now have the lap band in me and still find myself struggling beyond belief.

A person with anorexia cannot eat. A person with obesity cannot stop eating.

I’m going to see the doctor today to try to stem the tide of the symptoms….again. I’m adding a new program to the band. I don’t know if it will work, but it’s worth a try. I’m kicking back into the exercising mode, slowly, but surely.

The term “mind over matter” is something I wish I could maintain consistently. The mental health issues surrounding all of this is burdensome. I don’t know what it’s like to be diabetic, but I’m sure the people who suffer from it wishes it would go away, but it never will. I’m beginning to believe that’s the case for me. I have to treat my obesity like a chronic disease. It will never go away. I have to medicate it using the current knowledge. Does a diabetic feel guilty for having the disease? I don’t know. Does a person who has any chronic condition feel guilty about it? There is such a stigma with the overweight. I hate that.

Fred and I have finished the “man-cave” and I am really happy. The room is anything but caveish. I wish we had taken “before” pictures. Every time I look at the fireplace I smile. It was hideous before. I hated it so much I wouldn’t let anyone in the basement to see what was there. Besides the mess of the office, the fireplace was disgusting. Now, it’s beautiful. This picture above does not do it justice, but it will give you an idea of what it looks like.

We are very pleased with the results. Last night we played Wii bowling. I beat Fred mercilessly. I nearly broke 200, 10 pins shy. Now the match is on!

As for the lap band saga…..

I continue to be “non-compliant”…as they say. I am going to the doctor this week to start a new 6 month program that will hopefully, nip this addiction in the bud. I am amazed at how many blogs there are about people who gain all of their weight back and then some with the band and with the gastric.

My Aunt Joan sent an article to me about such things back before I had the surgery. I believed it when I read it. I want to prevent me from going in that direction. It’s like our bodies want to be big. We aren’t satisfied with the food we eat and need more and more. I know I’m like a hungry crazy person until I get a good amount of carbs and sugar and then I’m satisfied. But the weight goes up. It’s crazy.

After months, really now years, of counseling with an eating disorders specialist, doctors, surgery and the like, one would think I would have this figured out and be working on behalf of myself….but no! Even being happily married to Fred now doesn’t seem to stop my rambunctious compulsions.

Maybe I starved to death in another life. Maybe I’m just a spoiled brat. Maybe this disease is really a disease that I cannot overcome, much like diabetes, only somehow it’s worse. I don’t know. I wish I had the answer. Of course, if I did have the answer, I could be a millionaire.

I know I have all the power within me. It’s just using it consistently that’s the problem.