Fred and I have been married five whole months today. In that five months we have been busy remodeling and recovering. I’m ready to move forward.

I went to the doctors today. I have a slew of appointments next week for bloodwork and the like as I prepare for a new adventure in body shaping. Oh yes, I’ve gained 30 pounds back since the wedding. Good grief! Now for you thin folks that may seem like a huge amount, but really, it’s pretty typical for me to lose and gain that much in a short amount of time. It’s like my body wants it there. I’m a carb sponge. Eat a carb, it goes to the belly just like a beer drinker.

I’m going to start moving again and see if that 30 won’t fall off as easily as it came on.

I can pray for miracles and take action too, right?

aaarrrrrgggggg.

Starving to have no size at all

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Courage in battling eating disorders

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Click on the link about to read a story that was in the Enquirer. It really hit me.

I think people look at those with anorexia as sympathetic creatures who are dying for beauty’s sake. I don’t think people look at the obese in the same way. We tend to be the ones that people mock and judge as having character flaws, lack of discipline and we should be ashamed. People with anorexia are thought to be sick, they need help. So do the obese. Psychological, physical and wholistic help.

My obesity is an illness that I can’t control. I’ve determined this within the last week and this story validated it. I have spent thousands of dollars and now have the lap band in me and still find myself struggling beyond belief.

A person with anorexia cannot eat. A person with obesity cannot stop eating.

I’m going to see the doctor today to try to stem the tide of the symptoms….again. I’m adding a new program to the band. I don’t know if it will work, but it’s worth a try. I’m kicking back into the exercising mode, slowly, but surely.

The term “mind over matter” is something I wish I could maintain consistently. The mental health issues surrounding all of this is burdensome. I don’t know what it’s like to be diabetic, but I’m sure the people who suffer from it wishes it would go away, but it never will. I’m beginning to believe that’s the case for me. I have to treat my obesity like a chronic disease. It will never go away. I have to medicate it using the current knowledge. Does a diabetic feel guilty for having the disease? I don’t know. Does a person who has any chronic condition feel guilty about it? There is such a stigma with the overweight. I hate that.

Fred and I have finished the “man-cave” and I am really happy. The room is anything but caveish. I wish we had taken “before” pictures. Every time I look at the fireplace I smile. It was hideous before. I hated it so much I wouldn’t let anyone in the basement to see what was there. Besides the mess of the office, the fireplace was disgusting. Now, it’s beautiful. This picture above does not do it justice, but it will give you an idea of what it looks like.

We are very pleased with the results. Last night we played Wii bowling. I beat Fred mercilessly. I nearly broke 200, 10 pins shy. Now the match is on!

As for the lap band saga…..

I continue to be “non-compliant”…as they say. I am going to the doctor this week to start a new 6 month program that will hopefully, nip this addiction in the bud. I am amazed at how many blogs there are about people who gain all of their weight back and then some with the band and with the gastric.

My Aunt Joan sent an article to me about such things back before I had the surgery. I believed it when I read it. I want to prevent me from going in that direction. It’s like our bodies want to be big. We aren’t satisfied with the food we eat and need more and more. I know I’m like a hungry crazy person until I get a good amount of carbs and sugar and then I’m satisfied. But the weight goes up. It’s crazy.

After months, really now years, of counseling with an eating disorders specialist, doctors, surgery and the like, one would think I would have this figured out and be working on behalf of myself….but no! Even being happily married to Fred now doesn’t seem to stop my rambunctious compulsions.

Maybe I starved to death in another life. Maybe I’m just a spoiled brat. Maybe this disease is really a disease that I cannot overcome, much like diabetes, only somehow it’s worse. I don’t know. I wish I had the answer. Of course, if I did have the answer, I could be a millionaire.

I know I have all the power within me. It’s just using it consistently that’s the problem.

It’s Monday morning. Fred spent all day yesterday working on the “man cave”. It has become a beautiful room. I’m very proud of him for working so hard to make it so.

I’m tired for him. It’s like I did the work, but I sat on the couch mostly watching him. I’m in a great deal of pain. I don’t know why. When I get up and move about, the pain gets worse. I know I have fibromyalgia, but this is wearing me out. I keep chalking it up to winter. Maybe when spring comes my energy will return.

I don’t think I’m the only one feeling this way. It seems like winter has been kind of rough on everyone. Perhaps its the lack of sun. Maybe its the cold. I’m just ready for it to be over whatever the reason.

I do have a bright spot. I am writing a letter everyday to Emily. I wrote for 30 days to Marks Grandma, now I’m writing for 46 to Emily. I use a scripture every day and write a thought about it. When I wrote to Mark’s grandma I found my own spirits lifted.

Isn’t it “cool” how when we reach out to someone else, we are somehow blessed more? January would have been a very long month if I hadn’t had the writing to perk me up. That’s why I wanted to write to Emily. It gives me a purpose.

Writing this blog has been a good thing too, although I haven’t been writing every day. It seems that if I wrote here every day I would be “boring.” I’m not sure what the difference is. Maybe it’s speaking from one heart to another heart. I am aware of who is reading so I am more focused. Maybe it’s because I get more of a response and I know my words are read and appreciated in a different way. Maybe I’ve simply discovered even more that I really like writing! It’s that simple.

I also know I like when people ask me questions. Again the focus is shifted and driven.

What do you want to know? You can ask anonymously. Or, you can let me know who you are and I will share my thoughts accordingly. Either way, we are on this planet together and learning everyday how we “fit”. I appreciate sharing this journey with you – very much.

As for the lap band situation. I go to the doctor tomorrow. I’m sure I’ve gained more weight. However, I will say that the “fill” inside the band must be getting back to the “sweet” spot because I can tell I’m eating less. I’m filling up more quickly and I feel restriction, which is good.

Fred is worried that I will get filled up too much again and get sick. I hope not! There is a fine line between restriction and being ubstructed. A closed and swollen stomach is VERY unpleasant. I just want to feel full and not hungry. I’m getting there.

Happy February. 🙂

Another week, another few pounds added on. My face is puffy. My knee is hurting worse than it did before the surgery. I hope I haven’t injured myself again. I refuse to have any further surgery. I will suffer as long as I am able.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. My husband has been painting the “man-cave” and it’s getting prettier by the minute. I am so happy in my life. I love Fred bunches. But, I’m back in the mode of “I don’t deserve to be happy or loved by him because I’m too big.” It’s stupid to think like this. I know it is.

I promised I wouldn’t use this blog as a whine zone, but the process of losing weight is why I’m blogging. The process of internal growth is a long one. I intend to conquer the negativity. I am going to conquer the weirdness of my own self come hell or high water. I am determined.

Here are my reasons:

I want to be a healthy person.
I want to have energy to walk.
I want my knees to be painfree.
I want to be proud of myself and feel good in my own skin.
I want to avoid any further illnesses brought on by extra weight such as heart issues, diabetes issues, etc. So far, so good.
I want to honor my body for carrying me through this life so well. To think how it has bounced back after five surgeries in two years makes me feel quite grateful. I have to thank it by working with it and stop the internal fighting.
I want people who know me to be astonished at the accomplishment.I want to be astonished by it too!

So far, these are the goals, but parts seem elusive. I guess I need to “act as if” until it becomes a part of me.

I really do like winter. We have about 4-6 inches of beautiful white on the ground. It is pretty.

I’m grateful I don’t have to drive to work in it this morning. I’m working remotely from home. That is a wonderful gift of technology. One for which I am most grateful.

Fred has gone out to GLE to shovel sidewalks. I’m sure he will be home in plenty of time to watch the Super Bowl from the comfort of his “forming” Man-Cave.

The mess that was once in the basement is now officially obliterating the pretty office we made out of Emily’s bedroom. I will get it all put away…….eventually. It’s only been making a mess in the basement for 7 years. What’s another month or two, right?

Sometimes I think the mess reflects my true feelings -inside. On the surface, people see neat and tidy. But hiding in the underbelly or now uppermost region, I am messed up, like my stuff. I’m beginning to think we are all this way. Aren’t we?

Fred is helping me “straighten up”.

It ain’t easy, but it’s sooooooo worth it.

Do you know how small the world really is?

I sit in the middle of the newsroom of the Kentucky Enquirer. I hear reporter, Mark Hansel, talking about two men who went to help an orphanage in Haiti. It’s quite a story. I didn’t stop working to hear what he was telling our assistant editor, Dave. Today I open the nky.com website and there is the story.

http://nky.cincinnati.com/article/AB/20100129/NEWS0103/1300358/NKY+men+recount+Haiti+work

What is fascinating is that in these weeks following the Haitian tragedy, I have had the photo album of the trip laying out on my desk. I look at the photos and pray for the children. I pray for Ernie, the man who ran the place. I couldn’t remember the name of the orphanage. I searched for it on the Internet. I wondered what happened to the people there.

As I said, all I can do, like most of us here in the United States and the world, was pray. I donated money, sure. But the feeling of helplessness left with the prayers. One thing I know for sure is that prayer is a strong force. Maybe I couldn’t be in Haiti to help. Maybe I couldn’t remember the name of the orphanage or all the names of the children. But, God knows their names. God is there. When I am not physically present, I can be spiritually present. In my prayers I prayed for the orphanage. And here, in the story are two men that God did have there to help. Men who were capable of doing what I could not.

I also find it an amazing little miracle that God would “connect these dots” for me while helping the children through these men.

These are the moments when I really cannot doubt that there is a being/power greater than myself who connects us as one. It’s really remarkable. Isn’t it?

OK I’ve really had it with myself now.  I think this blog is just a whine zone.  Enough already. 

For the last three weeks I’ve been writing to my son-in-laws grandmother everyday.  I felt like God was asking me to do this. On New Year’s Day, she had a serious fire in her home. She has been displaced and is living with her son’s family. She is a delightful person. She is one of the most devout Catholic women I’ve ever known.  She didn’t want any fuss made and we were asked to “stay away.”  I prayed about that and felt that I should write her a note every day.

So, I have been doing that.  It is really fun.  I find a scripture or prayer to lead with, then I write a note that follows its theme.  I find that my spirits are being lifted in the writing to her.  I thought I was suppose to be helping her, but I think now, it’s helping me more. 

Isn’t that always the way of a blessing?  It comes when one least expects it.

Maybe the weirdness I’ve been feeling of late will give way to peace.  Besides Spring coming sooner than later, I’m thinking these notes are helping more than sunshine, bringing a healing that I didn’t expect.

For that, I’m grateful.

More news from Haiti. People are not getting the food and water they need in the countryside. Skirmishes and panic add to the frustration of the families trying to care for their young.

I got a fill in my band today – so I won’t overeat. ….but I still do.

Now what in the hell am I thinking?  What in the hell am I doing?

My belly is swollen like the starving children.  The doctor says it’s scar tissue from 4 abdomenal surgeries.  It has taken on a life of it’s own.  We could use it to play basketball.  I look more pregnant than when I was pregnant.  Ridiculous.

And people really are starving in Haiti. God, please hear their cries and let the world help them.

I’m pathetic.