Thursday I got a fill with Dr. Curry. I was feeling pretty positive about everything. They have a new program they are starting with a medication that helps people feel even less hungry. The dietitian says she thinks I still haven’t hit the “sweet spot”. I guess it takes a long time to get there.

Well, maybe I’m there. I can’t eat a thing – and don’t want to.

I met with friends yesterday afternoon at Potbelly in downtown Cincinnati on Fountain Square. We had a really nice time. The only trouble is, I took one tiny bite of the sandwich and boy was I sorry. I forgot I’m suppose to stay on pureed food right after a fill. That one bite was one too many and I got a miserable stomach ache.

When I returned to the office, I was working along when all of the sudden terrible pains started shooting in my left shoulder. It was horrible. Between my stomach and the shoulder, all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed.

Fred was at the house when I got there. He could see something was wrong. I sent him on a mission of mercy to get children’s Tylenol (since I can’t take pills again) and some wonderful Gas-x. While he was gone, I took the worlds hottest shower, crying the whole time. The pain was unbearable.

I climbed into bed with a heating pad and some ice, where I tried to escape the pain through sleep. It was futile. I just laid in the bed and groaned. I couldn’t get comfortable. Fred asked me if he should take me to the emergency room. Maybe I should have said yes, but I didn’t.

This morning the pain was better, but only if I sat very still. Walking is difficult. I have a doctor’s appointment Thursday. We’ll see what he says. (Unless I decide I need him before then.)

To say the least, this has scared me. I dunno if the band has slipped and that is what it feels like, or if my bowel is kinked from the hernia I have – or it’s just bad gas. I’m opting for the latter. I certainly don’t need a trauma in September!!! It’s only one month before the wedding. Lord knows I don’t want to be scoped, poked, prodded or cut on before then.

So….dear readers….if you pray, please do. If you don’t, please keep me in your positive thoughts. I really hurt.

Well, I think I lost a little weight, but not a whole heck of a lot. I look at the scale and it refuses to go under the one number I’ve been trying to go under since February. I’m two pounds away. Same old behaviors too are tripping me up. I do really well for about four or five days (during the work week I’m fine until Friday.) Then whammo, I see chocolate, I see sugar, I want I want I want.

I keep telling my self, “don’t beat yourself up”. My weight is staying the same, within 2-5 pounds. Is that so bad? Not if I were a normal eating person. When one has more than 100 pounds to lose, not losing is so frustrating! I think I’d like my band to be so tight I couldn’t do anything but drink protein. Maybe then I could get the 100 pounds off. I don’t think that would be a very healthy way to address my issues though. Once the band restriction was reduced, I’m sure I’d go right back to eating the “same old way” and the weight would fly back on.

Do you think I’m meant to stay fat? I think my identity is wrapped up in it. It’s almost like my belly is a pet. Yes, it gets in the way of picking up a shiny dime. It gets in the way of alot of other things too. Yet, I’m so use to it being there, maybe that’s why I don’t lose the weight. I don’t see myself as a thin person.

I sure do like feeling better, though, I confess. I know as the weight comes off I will feel better and better. So, why wouldn’t I choose to do that?

I returned to Fast Track this week and again had lost about a pound, according to their records. So, shouldn’t I be pleased? I didn’t put 100 pounds on in 8 months, so I’m not losing 100 pounds in 8 months either.

I can’t believe by the time of the wedding in October, I will have had the lap band for one year. I think I expected more, but I know I also didn’t know what to expect. Last year brought profound changes in my life. Between the four surgeries, Emily moving back home and Fred igniting our romance, I’d say last year to now has been life altering in every way. So shouldn’t I pat myself on the back for surviving? Shouldn’t I be glad that the stresses, both good and bad, didn’t make me “explode” in overeating, gaining weight, or “short circuiting” in some other fashion? Maybe I can be proud of that.

This duo relationship I have with myself is a love/hate thing, up/down, happy/sad, confident/insecure and on and on. Yin-yang. It seems to be a theme with me. A record with a scratch in it, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Maybe I need to cut myself a little slack.

I love the wedding dress, I really do. What I don’t like is my big fat body in the wedding dress. I don’t think a corset or spanks will make a difference. The reality is, I still don’t like myself and probably never will. Wonder if I can get comfortable with that idea. uh, nope.

I went to my new lap band doctor’s office for a class with the dietitian/nutritionist. She was pretty inspiring. She is a two year out band patient who has lost 196 pounds. She looks fabulous. What she taught made a whole bunch of sense too. I learned a lot.

I didn’t know that my “new” stomach is the size of a golf ball. I didn’t know that if I ate more than 1/2 a cup of anything – that caused stretching, I could cause myself serious harm. The band could slip. How awful would that be! She also said most people stop at about six months and have a relapse – oh yea? Sign me on that dotted line. But, she said people almost always get back on the wagon and do fine. Oh I hope I hope that is so!

My counselor Sally Ray called to see how I was doing. You know what’s weird, when I think about the brain aspect of this disease, I’m thinking I’ve learned so much about myself in the last few years, I really shouldn’t blame old thought patterns …. but….I do. When I was talking with Emily about it yesterday, she kept saying, just get over it Mom. I love her. Things seems so simple when she says it. I think too much, says she. Yep. No amount of therapy, drugs or food will ever change that I reckon. Again, perhaps I should make peace with that. Oh I can do that for a minute, but ask again in another and see if I’m holding my resolve. uh, nope.
Isn’t life fun? 🙂

After the nutrition class yesterday, I bought a “kick-start” batch of protein products to get myself “back on the wagon.” I am determined to like my wedding dress on me. Maybe if I can hold on to this inspiration and resolve for two weeks, it will continue for the next two months, abd ib, Boy, would I be happy about that – and proud of myself.

Time really does go by fast. By the time Fred and I get married it will be one year since I had the lap band put in place. 40-50 pounds gone is a wonderful thing. Sure I wish it was 100 and I was nearly done losing at the extra tub. But then, what would I obsess about? Ha Ha. My identity is so entrenched in being the “fat girl”. I’ve got to find something else to obsess about and get an identity I will be comfortable with – for me. Hmmmmmmm.

Where did the last two weeks go? It’s all a blur. A fun blur at that.

Let’s start with the party – the Pester/Strange/Listermann/McCafferty party was quite a success. The food was incredible. We had a pot luck. One dish was better than the next. Food was everywhere. So was the laughter and camaraderie that family brings.

All of Fred’s brothers and one sister, Joyce, were there with their spouses and Fred’s twin, Dave, brought his gorgeous grandchildren. His sister, Mary, from Lexington, was under the weather and unable to attend. We missed her.

I made everyone step out of their comfort zones at the end of the meal. I prepared a bingo-like game with comments on them like, I was in the Army, I work in a school, I speak a foreign language, I am a twin etc. The person with the most names won. There were four twins there, some with and some without their twin. Once the crowd settled down from running around getting names, I went through each statement and made everyone who applied to the answer stand up. It was neat to see how much we all had in common and how unique each person was too. There was lots of storytelling and tattling on one another. It was fun. I think everyone knew each other better after.

I got the feeling that Fred was pretty proud of our gathering. Apparently he had never hosted a party before and he was nervous about it. I will say one thing…Fred has really come out of his shell since we first started dating. I think he likes being a social butterfly right along with me. I’m so glad.

Now in the food department – oh snap – another month goes by. I continue to eat carbs. I continue to lose weight…..but……very…..slowly……… I lost a mere two pounds.

Guilt seems to be such a part of this experience. Again, the good girl – bad girl scenario. I think that is programmed so deeply within me that the idea of retraining my brain seems insurmountable.

I went to Dr. Curry’s Cincinnati office on Thursday. His nurse practitioner gave me a fill after giving me a fluoroscope scan. That was really fun. I stood in front of a white disk with the camera aimed at my gut. I could see the lap band clearly. I could see my heart beating and everything moving. It was “cool.” Then I drank barium contrast. I could see it go down my throat and pause very briefly and the top of the band, then stream through into my stomach.

I was surprised to learn that the port where they stick the needle in to give the fill is below my stomach. Somehow I thought it would be a the top. I guess my understanding of biology is limited. Anyway, I lay on the table and the nurse filled me with an additional .3 cc’s of fluid. I think the opening of the band is an 8 now. The maximum is a 9 I believe, or maybe 10. Anyway, this time I really feel a difference. I cannot eat the quantities of food I was eating. I really can only get about 1/4 of a cup down in one sitting. That is going to be helpful.

I went to breakfast today with the “giggle-girls” and could hardly eat a thing. That was thrilling really. I’m also not hungry at all. I hope it lasts this time. Not being hungry does help me make better choices when I can only get a little bit of food down. I do want the best bang for my buck. However, I think I’m going to pray a novena (not that I’m Catholic) for God to help me stay away from ice cream. That cool, creamy substance flows through the band so easily – – and tastily. Sigh.

I’m suppose to be logging my intake of food daily too. Oh the rebellious one that I am! I hate journaling. It’s so annoying. I’m sure I’ll get slapped on the wrist for this, but I don’t want to do it. I know it will help me stay in line better, I know it will give them an idea of my habits. When I first had the band in I logged everything. It was scary. I wanted to be sure I got all the nutrients in. I was faithful to the log for the first three months. Then, I got comfortable with the band and the doctor said he didn’t want me to feel like I was on a diet, but rather eating protein above other things. Well, I’ve stayed fairly true to that, but I’ve added carbs into the mix.

My hope is that this fill is the “sweet” one. The one that will stay with me and make me feel full all the time. That is a wonderful feeling. I can’t describe it other than to say it’s freeing. Perhaps I’ve said this before. Still, feeling full makes one think differently about what goes into the mouth.

Let’s hope I can keep the momentum.

This is the week-end where Fred and I will merge our families. We’re hosting a party at the clubhouse. Lots of food and fun!

I’m hoping everyone likes each other as much as we like them. I hope everyone has a great time. I’m nervous (of course). Worry Wart that I am. I really do know everything will be fine……….but getting the brain to simmer down now……well you know – that’s my problem. Now I’m envisioning all the cartoons with the devil on one side and the angel on the other. That’s me. I’m talking to myself.

Shut up brain.

My weight may not be on the yo-yo right now, but my brain sure is.

Surprise. Not really.

Fred and I went to a party, sponsored by the McCafferty’s, Emily’s in-laws. The party was for Mark’s attainment of his master’s degree. It was a fun party. But, camera’s were flashing. Fred took pictures of me. When I saw them, my heart sank. I hate what I see when I see myself. I’m a fat cow. Even though I’ve lost 50, it’s just a dip in the big ass bucket.

I can’t believe Fred really wants to marry me. He’s so handsome. He’s going to look amazing in his tux. I’ll look like a puffy, fluffy marshmallow squashed in satin and lace. Now, I am wishing we could just elope. No pictures. No gawking people. I don’t want anyone to look at me like this. Maybe in a year or two I’ll like my looks better. Maybe we should get married then. hmmmmm.

I lamented to Emily. As she is apt to do, she once again threw a thoughtful zinger. “Mom, your 54 years old. If you don’t like yourself now, you’re never going to like yourself.”

Well shit.

After the party, I went straight to bed. It was 9 p.m. Fred came up to ask me what was wrong. I told him I was having a pity party. I just wanted to sleep. Escape. He just held me. He didn’t ask for details. I didn’t tell him. I’m not sure why. I guess I didn’t want to him to feel obligated to say platitudes.

There are moments when I wonder if he’s “settling” for me. I know he likes me. I hope he loves me. We are such good friends. We laugh a lot. I love him more everyday. The fearful side of me can’t imagine that he feels love for me. He was so hurt in the past. I wonder if he has healed enough from it. I can’t imagine why he would want to be with me. Isn’t that terrible? I feel guilty for my thoughts.

I melt every time he kisses me. I wonder what he feels. I can’t imagine why he would even want to touch me. I can’t keep my hands off him, poor thing. He’s so yummy. I adore him. I wish I felt pretty for him.

Toss the string, yo-yo. Up and down. Yo-yo.

It’s amazing to me that I can be euphoric one minute and in the next, with a flash of a bulb, I come crashing down. Just like the yo-yo-s I threw on the floor because I could never make them work.

Yo-Yo

I’ve been chastised for not blogging more often, so I’m going to try to do better.

Sometimes I wonder if people really care about what I’m up to. Then when I read the previous entries I think, I care what I’ve been up to! It’s quite fun to read. Sometimes its a bit embarrassing, but blogging, like the diary, is a fascinating study into a my own heart, mind and soul. I’m learning something new every day. In the last few years, since I started the mind and weight journey, I’ve grown. I’ve relapsed. I’ve gained. I’ve lost. I’ve been more happy than sad. Every day is a new day to start over…if I choose.

What’s been happening since my last post? Well…..lots!

Fred, Emily, Mark and I traveled to beloved Michigan. It was fun showing Fred the state and introducing him to my wonderful relatives. Seeing his smile and hearing his laughter as we traveled made happy bubbles pop in my heart. Mark has been officially “brainwashed” in the love for Michigan. Now Fred is officially “brainwashed” too. He fell in love with Michigan like the rest of us. Plus, he was more relaxed than I’ve ever seen him. I think that’s the lake air in purity and freshness.

The weather was beautiful. The high was in the 70’s. We wore sweatshirts. The sky was sapphire blue with dancing cotton clouds. Crystals formed on the tips of waves. The aroma of chocolate and vanilla fudge mixed with the breeze, as horses clip-clopped along the avenues and pathways of Mackinac Island.

The Grand Hotel stood majestically white in the west. Fort Mackinac, guarded the east as it shook with cannon and gunfire. My heart halted with each cannon blow, then skipped beats when I saw Fred’s serene face. We strolled together holding hands, while Mark and Emily climbed the trails to the island’s highest point.

We were on the island for the Fourth of July. We stayed in the 150 year old green, yellow and pink Inn on Mackinac. Our room was on the fourth floor, including a rounded turret with windows overlooking Main Street and the Harbor.

After our tour of the island, fort and a tasty dinner, Emily and Mark went to the beach to watch the fireworks. Fred and I gleefully gazed from the windows of our turreted room, sitting on softly cushioned, white wickered furniture. We could see, the fireworks from Mackinac City off in the distance, punctuating the island’s fireworks. Both were lovely. It was weird watching fireworks “straight up” without music. It isn’t the same as on Labor Day when WEBN choreographs the blasts.. But, in my soul, I heard John Phillip Sousa’s piccolo solo from the Stars and Stripes being played by Emily.

Our trip home was interesting. We headed south to Boyne City to visit Aunt Elizabeth, but we were too early and missed her. Then we went to Gaylord where I showed Emily and the rest the spot where my parents and grandparents are buried. It was a touching moment. One I didn’t expect to experience on this trip as a time element, but I am so glad we we took the time.

We chattered all the way home, looking for Ryder and Penske Trucks to smack each other. The game comes from a time when Emily was 5 or 6. We laughed a lot.

It was a great trip. I feel closer to each one and love them deeply.

Upon returning to work, stress quickly returned. Layoffs. I feel the pain of all who lost their jobs. The fear that I might lose mine sits just below the surface. I’m safe for now. Perhaps I need to seek other employment for security. But, I really like my job. It’s too much to think about now. I want to think happy thoughts. I’m marrying Fred in three months. Why is there always bitter with the sweet?

Now for the weight…….

I didn’t gain on our trip. That alone is a miracle. I haven’t lost anything either. But I think that’s a miracle too. I’m stable. Even though I’m still a big girl, I’ve decided part of the victory is the stoppage of the yo-yo. Since February, I’ve only lost 6 pounds. I was thinking that means I’m a slacker and “bad girl” cause I’m not staying true to an eating plan. On this trip, however, I realized, I really am doing pretty well. I’m not over eating. I’m not under eating. I’m eating like a normal person. I think that’s wonderful! Stopping the negative emotions relating to food is a healing that takes time. The lap band is giving me that time. Food is food, nothing more, nothing less. One step at a time.

Well, the last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Do I say that alot? It seems like I just keep getting busier. Wedding plans are coming along. I’m fretting the finances. I did lose 6 pounds which is kind of cool. It just seems like it everything is going so slowly – except for time. How weird is that?

Emily and I went shopping yesterday for girly things for the wedding. I am now the proud owner of my first pair of Spanks.People say they are miraculous. We’ll see….

We found a beautiful pair of shoes that will make the dress (my feet?) look lovely. I actually have to have them dyed – the color white is weird. The dress is candlelight white – which to some may be ivory and others champagne, but then it could be regular white, just catching the light in a different way. Either way, the dress is pretty and now the shoes are pretty too. Of course you must know that I have pair of white Crocs to put on when I want to get comfortable for the party part, right? lol

Hello all,

I had a rather fun week-end. Fred’s daughter, Krista, my daughter, Emily, Krista’s baby, Kylie, Fred and I went shopping for a black dress for Krista to wear at the wedding. We met for lunch first to introduce Emily to all. Kylie kept us happily occupied as we ate and kibitzed.

Emily and Krista will be our Best Women. They are the only two who will be standing with us. Fred’s sons are way too shy to even think about standing up with us. I think that’s cute.

I was surprised that Krista wanted a long dress to wear. I would think a young person would want a short dress to she could wear it out later. She seemed really excited about the dress we chose. It’s a flowy black dress with a shrug made from the same fabric as Emily’s. While these two women have chosen very different black dresses, I think they compliment each other and will look lovely on wedding day.

Later, Emily and I discussed music. Fred was in the room working on his computer. He didn’t seem too interested, but he snickered every now and then, especially when I suggested our recessions be “I got you babe” by Sonny and Cher. Oh, it is so much fun getting to chose exactly what I want. It’s going to be incredible. Larry and Emily will be in concert. I will want to sit in the audience and listen, but alas, Fred and I will be “off stage” listening from the rear. I hope somebody gets a fabulous recording so I can live it over and over again. Of course, the music will be wedding appropriate, Bach, Beethoven, and some surprises. I think the wedding is going to be “comfortably classy”.

I wish my brother, Larry, lived in town. I think he and Emily and Mark would make quite a fine team. I bet they would get plenty of gigs. They are extremely talented musicians. I miss Larry being close by.

Fred has suggested we go to Fort Wayne soon. I’d like to steal Emily and Mark away to take them with us. Summer is going to fly by so quickly that I’m sure we won’t have a chance to catch our breath.

Emily and Mark are going to Boston this week-end. They are quite excited. They have tickets for the Pops. I can’t wait to hear all about it. When they return, there will be just enough time for them to do their laundry, then we all leave for Michigan together. We will share our wonderful Northland with Fred. I hope he likes it as much as we do. We are staying with Aunt Joyce one night and then on Mackinac Island one night. I hope it is most relaxing.

Now in the ever present food issue department……well…..status quo. My weight remains the same. I still think that’s a good thing. I’m not gaining. I’m not losing either. I really think I’m eating like a “normal” person. That alone is an accomplishment. Still, I think if I get two more fills, I will then NOT be able to eat like a normal person and I will begin to lose weight again. We’ll see.

I told my sister-in-law Chandra that losing weight and eating right is a full time job. I’m not interested in making it my job. I want the weight to fall of “naturally.” I don’t want to think about it. I’ve got too many fun things to think about now. I realize that is crazy talk. Why would a person get a lap band if she didn’t want to think about weight? Ah, the saga continues. Like the last post – ebb and flow — ebb and flow.

To me, the full time job is planning a wedding, enjoying Fred, getting the condo ready for Fred to move in and having a fun summer with Emily and Mark going on vacation, swimming and so on.

Gosh, I’m mainly as happy as one can be – – the dark side is in remission – – for this minute anyway. I’m going to relish that.

I’ve been wondering how you might ebb and flow the way I do. Do you? Do you one day feel empowered to be your best and then the next flub something that sends you down hard? I can’t be the only one on a see-saw. Am I?

There are days I feel fantastic. There are days I feel like a putz. I can’t decide which emotion I am feeling more often than the other, fantastic or putzy. One would think that the successes I’ve had over the recent months would buoy me up. Still the negative seems to take all the power. I hate that.

I adore Fred today more than yesterday. He says and does some of the cutest things and says some of the most wonderfully romantic things. Yet, in one comment, I can be sent into a tailspin that makes me wonder what the hell am I doing with him. I know what we have is extraordinary. I am so lucky to have him in my life. Still, I get scared.

It’s that damn yin and yang thing. Please tell me you have these same experiences.

Food – ah – food. Continues to be my nemeses. Up and down. Good and bad. Sweet and sour. healthy or not. Damn the yin and yang thing.

One thing remains consistent – love. Our family is fabulous. Fred and I spent a great deal of time with family this week-end. I love my family. I love Fred’s family. Every time we visit his daughter and grandbaby Kylie, I get excited that I will be able to watch Kylie grow. She’s already got the blueprint of her personality forming. She’s knows how to smile to melt your heart, she’s willful, she’s sweet, she’s plotting how to get the kitty’s food. She’s almost nine months old. Once she starts walking, lookout cat! Lookout Mom and Dad – they are going to be very busy.

Emily and Mark came over for a quick swim (actually stand and shiver) The day was beautiful and perfect. The water was cold and refreshing. After our swim, we came back to the condo where Fred had prepared a delicious pot of chili to share with them. Mark and Fred joked with each other. Emily and I discussed wedding music and plans. Lots of fun indeed. Oh the venus and mars thing applies here. Guys and girls are so different. Vive la difference, I say.

Tonight I’m watching the Tony Awards. I love Broadway and theatre. I’m taping it so I can see it again. Liza Minelli was on. She has grown older and it shows in her voice, but she’s still one of my favorite stars. I met her briefly when I was an usher at the Palace Theater. She came out on stage to do a sound check. She sat on the edge of the stage and asked those of us waiting for the audience to arrive, how we thought she sounded. I thought she was wonderful. She asked our names. I told her mine. I told her I thought she was wonderful. She said thank you and when her sound check was complete she went back stage to dress for the show. The concert was fabulous. The evening with Liza was a thrill.

Now Liza has certainly had her ups and downs. Her life has ebbed and flowed. Everyone has watched her, laughed at her and more often, with her.

There she was on stage tonight singing my favorite song of hers, “the World Goes Round”. I marveled at her stamina. She is still standing. I admire that immensely. I hope with all the ebbs and flow and ups and down of my life, I will be standing victorious as she was tonight. Maybe I’ll even be singing the song with her!

Sometimes your happy and sometimes your sad,
but the world goes round
and some times you loose every nickle you’ve had,
but the world goes round
sometimes your life gets broken in pieces, but that does alter a thing
take from me there’s still gonna
a summer a winter, a fall and a spring,
And sometimes a friend starts treating you bad
But the world goes ’round
And sometimes your heart breaks with a deafening sound
Somebody loses and somebody wins
And one day it’s kicks, then it’s kicks in the shins
But the planet spins, and the world goes ’round-
But the world goes ’round
But the world goes ’round
Sometimes your dreams get broken in pieces
But that doesn’t matter at all
Take it from me, there’s still gonna be
A summer, a winter, a spring and a fall
And sometimes a friend starts treating you bad
But the world goes ’round
And sometimes your heart breaks with a deafening sound
Somebody loses and somebody wins
Then one day it’s kicks, then it’s kicks in the shins
But the planet spins, and the world goes ’round
And ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round
The world goes ’round and ’round and ’round
and ’round.

Thank goodness! I say. ebbs and flows, ups and downs, the world will continue to go ’round.